“So, you’ve all come to watch the grand tamasha of my wedding!”
(In true Nana Patekar style — the groom’s mind in turmoil)
The groom sits on stage. Beside him, his freshly-minted bride. In front — a decked-up crowd. Picture it: a scene straight out of Krantiveer — the hero about to be hanged publicly.
The groom sees them all — relatives, acquaintances, friends — none here to bless him, everyone here to watch the show.
Fear creeps in... Saala, every day some Sonam betrays her lover. On this so-called Chand-shahad yatra (honeymoon), wives are showing their husbands the moon by day, the sun by night.
Down below, a friend yells:
“Arre, where are you going with your jaan on this honeymoon? At least make an announcement, yaar!”
What can I tell them? My jaan is already at stake! Going with my jaan on honeymoon means I might return without my own jaan (life).
And these people—why the hell did they keep the reception today? Could’ve been a year later… at least let me come back alive from honeymoon first!
The groom can’t hold back… he erupts:
“Ha! You’ve come to watch the tamasha of my destruction!
Borrowed suit, rented smile, snakes crawling on my heart — for your entertainment?
Now you’ll hang me on the garland of marriage,
force-feed me the shaadi ka laddoo,
make me cry into the sacred fire,
then leave me dangling in the noose of her dreams.
Then my younger brother will tug me down:
‘Bhaiya, come now, the photo session is over.’
This isn’t a wedding procession… this is my funeral march!
Everyone will eat, drink, burp, and leave.
Their brains stuck only on the thickness of envelopes and the weight of the mithai.
Taauji will complain — ‘pakodi mein namak thoda kam tha.’
Someone else — ‘khana was fine, but rasam lacked tadka.’
And tomorrow, in drawing rooms, they’ll say —
“Girl was pretty, boy looked a bit subdued.”
And me?
I’m just a goat tied at the mandap, waiting for ritual slaughter.
No, the fault isn’t yours. It’s mine.
The price I pay for not saying NO.
I knew it… one day this crowd would gather to watch my dreams turned into tamasha.
Don’t console me.
I don’t need your sympathy.
Nothing changes for me.
I was born to be a slave — first job, then boss, now wife.
Even honeymoon is her choice, the loan is her signature — everything hers!
You just want Insta stories, right?
‘Couple Goals!’
Arre saalon, what goals are you talking about?
Neela drum is also round.
The hangman’s noose is also round!
And what if I go golu (round-bellied kid) producing before I even survive this round?
On suhaag raat, even haldi wala doodh will taste like poison.
O Above-wale… let me pass this exam!
Why did you even invent marriage?
Why not just make ‘insaan’? Why this extra post — pati?
Maybe you thought —
“I created my most beautiful thing: Man.
Look now… all turned into baratis.
Those left became husbands.”
All these relatives — Mama, Chacha, Mausi, Bua —
who once saw me naked as a baby,
now see me strangled in a tie,
thinking — “Let’s see how long this nautanki lasts.”
Even this tie feels like a noose.
Friends, clap your fake claps…
But look at me —
like a worn-out spinning top…
whose string is pulled by someone else,
but it’s me who keeps spinning!
Honeymoon? Arre, what honeymoon, saalon?!
Where do I even go?
I don’t even know if the one beside me truly wants me… or just my bank balance!
Do I go on honeymoon, or return alive from it?
Or is it a one-way road?
The one sitting next to me —
was she once flashing on someone else’s caller ID?
Now she’s my wife.
But am I even worthy to be called her husband?
Just now, someone whispered in my ear:
“Khush raho beta, this is life’s biggest khushi.”
And I’m thinking — is he reminding me of my college crush ‘Khushi’… or telling my wife something?
The way he smirked, winked at her… man, he looked like a supari killer.
Did she book him in the honeymoon package as well?!
Eat, laugh, pose for photos —
Tomorrow all of you will say:
“Saale ki toh kismat khul gayi!”
Kismat?
Even the one who writes fate must be laughing above —
“At least confirm if you haven’t already transferred your power of attorney to your wife!”
My only fear…
this garland around my neck today —
pray it doesn’t end up on my photo tomorrow!
Look closely at me —
I’m crying. Crying my heart out.
After all…
Happiness is not everything!
